*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.