I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]