Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine