ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
you gotta be faster
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous