I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
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My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…