I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
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I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
This line from Airplane.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.