When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Raisins are grape jerky.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.