When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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Kids will do something that makes you angry and you鈥檒l tell them it makes you angry and they鈥檒l cry and tell you they don鈥檛 want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I鈥檝e made my peace with that
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can鈥檛 keep your leggings out of its toe
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
People always say that when you have two kids that they鈥檒l play together so it鈥檚 less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there鈥檚 10 characters I don鈥檛 recognize and I just walk away
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
馃ぃ馃槇馃ぃ
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Make sure you鈥檙e checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”