All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
All Amazon reviews are like
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⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.