You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
my astrological sign is a french fry