School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
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This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Oh yeah that’s it
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Nigella has gone too far this time.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?