There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
You Might Also Like
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
R.I.P.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some