Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.