Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
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Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
synchronized noseblowing
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second