This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters