[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo