Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Banking tips
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people