[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
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kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Sending in my taxes
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!