[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
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[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Doggies just call it style.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?