“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef