I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
You Might Also Like
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.