2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.