Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
You Might Also Like
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”