If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
You Might Also Like
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Breaking news:
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.