Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.