How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Animal poetry
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.