I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I feel this so hard
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.