Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Comparing yourself to others
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house