Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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bugs when you lift up a rock
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Yes my dude
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.