I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
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my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Story of my life…..
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs