Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
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The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.