Things will get butter, keep churning
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol