My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
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I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling