American Horror Story: Public Restroom
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When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way