applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard