Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
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Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent