I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
You Might Also Like
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
after you pay a bill, the website is like βwould you like to make another payment?β and itβs like? um no dude. no, i donβt want to do that. like sorry do you think weβre buddies? βhang out awhile, maybe pay another billβ no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, βWhat if she is trying to murder you?β
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that catβs house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again π sheβs back inside indefinitely
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
when u come home smelling like another dog
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things