Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.