“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.