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Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
If only
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Every time.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?