The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
tell em, edith-anne
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better