Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Money is the root of all wealth
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Great game to play with friends
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.