i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.