When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
yeah 😭
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…