the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE