The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.