I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
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Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.