Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
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Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
bears
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.