Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
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Welcome to the stomach
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
This is my bus stop.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.