I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
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Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
i meant to share this earlier
spot the difference
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.